Identity Crisis: Part 1

(Protectorate Year 640)

Dear Master

A thousand blessings upon you. I am your most placeable of servants, Worker Merigold Jan Hirithmoth, First Daughter of Worker Virona Vet Yiroth and Worker Gettan Dirth Smirrrr, Born of the Orikai Spawn Pit on Disputed World Gedri.

As you no doubt remember from my letter last year, I finally succeeded in my objective of getting a boyfriend. A human boyfriend. An ATTRACTIVE human MALE boyfriend! You’ll be pleased to know that Operation Honeypot has proceeded smoothly since my last letter, and I should be able to convert him to a Slavani within the next year or two.

With so much progress being made, I decided it was high time for him to participate in a classic Slavani holiday: New Years Eve.

As I’m on Disputed World Gedri, a world infested by humans, our calendars aren’t synched. Our year consists of 500 days, while the human calendar is only 360. While it should be the dead of winter on your home world, it’s just a normal summer day over here.

I rose bright and early and rushed over to Peter’s (my human boyfriend) apartment. With a few energetic presses on the doorbell, I waited patiently for him to open the door. It took about a minute for him to drag himself out of bed and slog over to open it up, but there he was!

Furless. Weird feet. No horns. No wings. No tail. Taller than a Slavani but not as tall as Master. Limbs far thicker and muscular than even a Soldier. It pains me to look at him. Living in a body that’s just a plaything to natural selection must cause him no small amount of agony. For his sake, I must convince him to become a Slavani and get a body that was masterfully crafted by a skillful and loving God.

Now, based on the description I’m sure you’re wondering why I said I have ‘an attractive human male boyfriend’. He seems pretty horrendous to look at. Well you see, he always wears a necklace I made for him. It’s a simple bit of string with a smooth, dark-wood pendant. On that pendant are engraved a few words in ancient Slavanish script: “Property of Worker Merigold Jan Hirithmoth” (I couldn’t write my full name). That marks him as MY boyfriend so no other Slavani will get any funny ideas, and it also means he has the single most attractive feature in a human: He’s willing to work past his disability and open his heart to Master and the salvation you provide.

“Ngh…” Peter rubbed his eyes. “Merigold? What are you doing here?”

I kept a bubbly tone and a bright smile, “I’m here to see you for our date, silly.” Considering his height, I used my wings to flutter up and kiss him on the nose. When I landed, my face turned a bright red under my fur, and my ears flapped wildly. I can’t believe how bold and confident I was! Operation Honeypot was such a massive success, how could he possibly resist my charms?

“…You said the new year’s celebrations aren’t until tonight.” It’s cute how he pretends to be oblivious to my charms. That’s one of the things I love about him.

“Yeah, true, but since it’s your first time partaking in a Slavani holiday, I thought I’d make the day special and make you breakfast in bed.”

“But I had to get out of bed to come open the door for you.”

“…” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, so I waited for him to continue his thought.

“…” He raised an eyebrow.

“…” Sometimes human brains don’t work right, so I waited patiently as a good girlfriend should.

“…I guess I’ll go back to sleep then.”

“Sure thing!” I followed him into his apartment and diligently went to work cooking up and amazing breakfast. Following that, I brought him a tray full of food and set it on his lap. “Ta-daa! Honey butter biscuit hollowed out and filled with meat, fluffy egg whites, and milky cheese sauce, toasted perfectly at 5000 degrees!”

He looked down at the sandwich as its rich, golden breakfast scent swirled around the room and danced inside our nostrils.

“Did I have biscuits?”

“No, but last time I was here I stored a can of yeast. I made it from scratch.”

“Right…” He sat up in bed and I hopped beside him to watch. I didn’t blink, I didn’t take my eyes off the food, and I didn’t realize I was drooling. “Would you like a bite?” He asked.

“No no, I already made two for myself. That one is yours and it would be rude of me to steal it from you.”

He grabs the sandwich and moves it closer to his mouth. “Wait… did you say you cooked it at 5000 degrees?”


“My oven doesn’t go that high.”

I scratched the back of my yeah, “ yeah, I couldn’t read the human symbols on the oven so I had to make some estimations. I think it worked out well though. Eat!”

Peter brought the sandwich up to his mouth once more, but pulled it away at the last second. “Hey what kind of meat-“

“Just eat it already!” I grabbed his hands and forced them up to his face so he could finally take a bite.

The look on his face was that of unmistakable pleasure. The kind you can only get from eating a nice, homecooked meal from your pretty girlfriend. “Huh, this is really good.”

“Of course it is!” I slapped his back a few times as my ears and tail wagged. “So,” I crossed my legs and rocked back and forth on the mattress while he ate. “I have our whole day planned. First we’re gonna go bowling, then we’ll get a snack at one of the food trucks parked on the street, next we’re gonna go shopping for appropriate ceremonial wear, after that we’ll go to lunch at this new Slavani owned café that makes really good pastries, then we’ll take a walk around the park, follow that up with a trip to the aquarium and subsequent seafood snacks, and finally ending our day off with a trip down to the Orikai Spawn Pit so we can welcome the new year together! Sound good?”

He chews a bit more, then swallows. “That’s about what I’d expect you to come up with. Sure.”

I smiled brightly and couldn’t stop giggling.

Once he finished eating, he got dressed and we went out for a world of fun on our well-planned date.

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