(Protectorate Year 350)

Dear Master

GYAH! This sucks!

Sorry Master, but I, Caster Tiffany Vol Higgelwormoth, Second Daughter of Caster Miraga Feldir Grant and Caster Belinda Horisco Bintu, Born of Spawn Pit 17 on Homeship Master’s Inevitability, am in a bind.

As you remember from my letter last year, I was falsely accused by my coworker of stealing from the shipments of food that we’re supposed to send to the Protectorate-Empire in the form of taxes. That dumb Caster was a thief herself, but tried to pass the blame off on me and falsified a bunch of records to show that I was responsible for everything!

The fact that I did actually steal food was completely immaterial to the fact that she lied about me. She’s a liar, and a thief, and probably a heretic. As you remember, I found another Caster who was stealing food and was successfully able to… ‘prove’ that she was the real thief all along, I just had to fudge a few numbers.

But, a few days ago, I was forcibly woken up to find some other girl accusing me of theft! Some ‘Caster Brenard’. Lying fleabag…

So, rather than tell you the great story I had lined up about how my wife and I have applied to raise a newly-spawned sister, I have to tell you the story of how I dealt with this nonsense. Again.

There I was, sleeping in my room until there was a knock on the door. I opened it, Caster Brenard yelled at me a bit, then threw a file which had all my supposed crimes.

I read over the file, and it was all nonsense. Yes, I may have taken some food that I shouldn’t have, but the file said I had taken thousands upon thousands of pounds all by myself. I wouldn’t stand by this blatant slander.

Now, last time, I got around this by framing another Caster. That worked for a little bit, but Casters are too smart, they’ll all find a way  of getting out of trouble. If I blame one of my coworkers, then this will circle back around to me sooner or later. I needed to go lower.

I walked to the bottom level of our teleportation spire and stole their ledger. It listed all the collected food that had come from the spire. The weight of each shipment, the number of boxes, the variety of crop and cut of meat, everything. Since all the shipments gently fall from up top in unmarked crates, it doesn’t list which room it was sent from, and that’s why it’s so easy to falsify reports. You’d have to check each individual room’s ledger, cross-reference that with the ledgers of Casters on the planets who teleport us the shipments, AND THEN cross reference that from the bottom floor’s ledger.

Impossible work. No Caster has an attention span that long, and no non-Caster is smart enough to do it.

With the bottom floor’s ledger, I walked to one of the warehouses nearby. The warehouses belong to the Homeship’s transportation unit, the sisters responsible for moving all food and materials that keep the Homeship running. The particular warehouse I head to is tasked with coordinating deliveries of the Protectorate-Empire’s ransom to the correct facilities. Some fish we deliver need to be de-boned first, some fruits need to be peeled, or meats cut and packaged before we send them out to the vile peldaks. There are dozens of facilities near the docks, and all of their work passes through this massive warehouse first, thousands of tons of food coming and going every day.

I walked inside and it wasn’t long before a Soldier strain approached. “Hey, Caster. I don’t recognize you. This is the domain of the Homeship’s transportation unit, unauthorized personnel can’t just walk in without express written permission from-“

“SLEEP!” I yelled as I bonked her head with the glowing green orb at the end of my staff. Her eyes glazed over and she collapsed to the ground.

I looked out over the large warehouse, so many Slavani Workers toiled away with their cute little hardhats and customized overalls. They all stared at me, nobody could miss my spell. They didn’t look too pleased at my interruption, as Workers tend to be extremely territorial.

“Heh,” I gave a smug smile and laid my staff over my shoulder. “Anybody else want to try and get in my way?”

A few dozen Workers threw down what they were doing and marched over. Workers can’t be harmed, that’s one of your highest religious doctrines, so they had no need to fear.

“Hey!” A Worker yelled whilst pointing at me, “you can’t just-“

“SLEEP!” I poked her chest, and she went down.

“We’re doing important work for the good of-“

“SLEEP!”  I tapped her shoulder, and her body went limp.

“Oh no, don’t make me take a nap!”

“SLEEP!” She fell on top of her sisters.

One after another, each tried to stop me, but I wouldn’t allow it. The pile of sleeping sisters grew and grew with no sign of stopping.

A line began to form as Workers from across the warehouse lined up to give me a piece of their mind.

“Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.” Your magic reserves were being drained from my body, it was hard to keep my eyes open. With so many Workers asleep, I can only imagine the long-term ramifications for how backed up this warehouse’s deliveries will be.

I heard a girl near the back ask her friend a question. “What’s this line for?”

“This kind lady is giving away free naps.”

I felt my mission had been somewhat sidetracked.

But anyway, when the entire warehouse was asleep, I slogged my way over to their record-keeping office and stole their ledger for the day.

When I got outside the office, the next shift was coming in and I had to put the new sea of sisters to sleep as well…

But, an hour later, I finally made it back to my dorm and I was successfully able to alter the numbers. Officially speaking, it’s documented proof that the teleportation rooms are blameless. All fault lies with the warehouse for the missing shipments of food!

How dare they, Master. Don’t they know theft is a sin? Heeheehee!

The next day, after a deep sleep to replenish your magic, I marched right over to the office of the Caster in charge of the warehouse and knocked on her door.

“Come in.” She said behind the muffled metal.

I slid the door up, entered, then politely closed the door behind me.

“You!” I exclaimed. “You traitor! You cheat! You scum!” She was taken aback by my sudden verbal attack. “I know what you did. You and all your crony underlings!” I tossed the documents her way and she scrambled to catch them. “You’re a thief, Caster…” I looked down to check my notes. “Caster Winifontierteres Fentieretinis Vinicololomastarestemos!! You’ve stolen food from Master! Don’t think your crimes have gone unnoticed, it’s right there, clear as day! You should just give it up, confess to your crimes and make it easier on yourself and your warehouse!!” I nodded. “Yeah… anyway, have a nice day.”

I hurried out of there before she could offer complaint or argument.

There. Though she may be a Caster, she’s in charge of Workers so I doubt this will come back to bite me again.

Hopefully next year I’ll have a nice letter about raising a newly-spawned, and teaching her about the wonders of the life you’ve given us all.

Sincerely

-Caster Tiffany Vol Higgelwormoth, Second Daughter of Caster Miraga Feldir Grant and Caster Belinda Horisco Bintu, Born of Spawn Pit 17 on Homeship Master’s Inevitability.