Author: Plemency

Faeries Free Forgotten Forest Fellows

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06/11/036 ASU

In central Great Tendor, 12 faeries flew through the vast, untamed jungle. They would colonize a new home, the first on an alien world, and offer it to Fairy King Millaree as apology for breaking his most sacred law: never leave the ancient groves. Faeries are plagued by a primal wanderlust and mischief.

Their plan most likely would have worked, had they not gotten distracted by a coven of druids one night.

The druids, nude save for mud and animal bones strung together with sinew, led a procession of villagers to enact some dark and depraved ritual.

The villagers built a great fire and sacrificed many pounds of animal fat, the druids swung their sticks and chanted their arcane songs. The trees danced and whistled, the leaves glowed vibrant greens, and the faeries instinctively knew they would begin to grow fruit.

The faeries decided to hijack the ritual.

Weaving their way into the trunks, the trees truly came alive. The bark shifted according to their will and formed faces, taut tree fibers were plucked to make music.

“You have displeased us for the last time!”

Vines slapped and strangled the druids, and the villagers ran deep into the jungle. When the faeries had their fill, they released the druids and flew away, cackling all the while.

Days later, tendori forces returned and put the druids to death.

The faeries thought their prank went too far and surrendered to peldak forces. They were informed that the druid coven was an infamous group of outlaws that disappeared years ago. They enslaved the lost village of tendori, and the faeries actions freed the villagers from their spell.

That was unintentional, however, and King Millaree personally dragged them back to Grove Kamanshu and now displays them in a cramped cage in the central plaza.

The Winter Streaking Challenge On Isseio Prime

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03/09/722 ASU

Isseio Prime can generously be described as a nightmare world where nobody wants to live, not even the native issei. The planet rotates along a completely horizontal axis, so the north or south pole will experience multi-month-long summers, but their nights last just as long.

During these winters, the nomadic issei retreat to permanent settlements to survive the long night, and are occasionally beset by creatures called snow demons. Because the clans are now members of the Protectorate, this means we have to garrison forces to defend them.

10 years of emergency engineering later, and most of the clans have been received modern infrastructure with central heating, and the required fuel. This renders garrison duty as ‘moderately unpleasant’ rather than ‘borderline uninhabitable’.

But now our soldiers have been complaining about boredom, sitting around indoors during the long nights.

So the young peldaks have been doing what young peldaks do.

The buildings we gave the issei are sprawling complexes, with no section rising higher than three stories tall. There’s room for the entire clan of issei, the garrison of peldaks, and the various beasts the clans own. Each complex is up to 80,000 square feet.

The game these peldaks play is a squad of them go into one of the ‘heatlock foyers’. They open the outside door to let the sub-zero temperatures flood in, strip off their uniforms, and then try to run a lap outside while naked. It’s supposed to be a test of strength, but in reality it’s just a sly way for peldaks under 150 to see each other naked.

3 peldaks have died from heart issues due to the sudden decrease in temperature. Intense wind caused another 5 to suffer frostbite and required amputations.

Issei are frequently invited to join, but thankfully they’re too smart for that.

Gene Surfing Challenge Horrifies Sanguine

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07/08/866 ASU

The genevek are a playful race of shapeshifters that have recently gained independence and a state on the most recent colony world Sanguine. Because of the introduction of the ‘internet’ and ‘online forums’, a concerning trend has been observed with genevek youth.

Gene Surfing.

Step 1: The young genevek takes a picture of themself and uploads it to a forum.

Step 2: The genevek uploads a candid picture of a man or woman they’re interested in.

Step 3: The genevek convinces the target to invite the genevek back to the target’s home, usually posting updates as the night goes on.

Step 4: They have sex, with the genevek sneaking a picture to upload.

Important note: the image is typically taken and uploaded without the target’s consent. While not currently illegal due to the internet being an unregulated novelty, the Peldak Senate is expected to adopt the neralin’s internet laws, which will classify this as sexual misconduct.

Step 5: When the target falls asleep, the genevek changes their body to look like the target, then takes a picture so other users can check their transformations accuracy.

Step 6: Remember the shock and surprise of the target waking up and seeing a mirror image of themselves so the genevek can transcribe it later. Most genevek play it off with a cutesy ‘I really like you so I must have done it in my sleep’ excuse.

Step 7: Use the target’s face and body with no alterations to seduce the next target.

The ‘streak’ ends when the genevek fails to have a consecutive night of seduction.

Because the pictures provide proof, some users have streaks reaching triple digits.

The concept of using someone’s likeness for sexual purposes is drawing controversy, with advocacy groups demanding that the forums hosting these challenges receive heavy fines.

Hunter LaGrange Comic Publishes 10,000th Issue

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08/14/838 ASU

The longest running comic book in history, The Tales And Adventures Of Hunter LaGrange, has reached the mind-boggling milestone of 10,000 issues in a single, never-ending storyline.

Beginning in the late 400s following the end of the Ardennes Flare Up, a young Aaron Lecroy wanted to a small, cheap gesture to raise the spirits of his countrymen. During his off time at a newspaper print shop, he started small, humorous, one panel comics inspired by political cartoons. The novelty was a hit and Aaron soon had 20 reoccurring comics that were printed in the back of the newspaper.

After Aaron grew more comfortable with the print machine, he started making dedicated comic books, with his first being ‘Slave Hunter’. Ardennes had a long history of animosity with firryans, but it didn’t land in the post-war period.

Quickly retooling, Aaron made Hunter LaGrange. Rather than hunting escaped slaves, Hunter LaGrange was a lawman who hunted criminals.

After 37 issues, Aaron supposedly got bored with the concept and gave the series to a proxy; an Eluid named Delaeron who published at least one issue of Hunter LeGrange a month ever since.

As an Eluid – the half breed between an elf and a relgi druid – Delaeron can theoretically live forever but is effectively unable to leave his hometown, giving him plenty of time to plan his series decades in advance.

Notable story arcs include The Bloodmoon, which was a single night in-story but was told over the course of 32 real-life years, and the Infamous Eighty, which slowly foreshadowed that 80 issues had taken place while LaGrange was in a coma, and was the progenitor of the ‘it was all a dream’ trope.

Hunter LaGrange is currently 47 years old, and Delaeron says he will continue the series until LaGrange is over 90.

Unexploded Ordinance Explodes, Halts Construction

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12/03/816 ASU

The lingering effects of the Time of Troubles are still being felt by the common citizens of the Protectorate even 20 years following its end.

This past end month, in the zatadun world Garten, a construction crew was working hard to clear out the last few districts of rubble which had been destroyed in the fighting. The city was investing a lot of money to revitalize the local economy and finally recover from the war, so a high-end hotel and casino was going to be built.

But as an excavator was loading rubble onto a dump truck, an undetonated artillery shell which had been missed during the original sweep suddenly exploded. The 30-pound ordinance blew shrapnel, rock and rebar in all directions.

Six workers were wounded by the blast, and one man, Heinrich Theil, tragically lost his life as a large piece of shrapnel pierced his chest and tore a major artery.

He was 22 years old and leaves behind his wife.

The construction company has already launched an investigation into how the artillery shell was missed, offers their sincerest apologies to Thiel’s family, and all construction in the district will pause until another sweep is made. Corporate lawyers will work with Thiel’s family so they may receive aid from the Protectorate’s Lingering Effects of War Fund. The fund was set up exactly for situations like this, to assist civilians caught in the tragedy of war.

Peldak forces blew through this city following the Reichenhorn’s illegal invasion of the neighboring Slavani Freehold, and subsequent annexation of Garten’s surface. The Reichenhorn would have proceeded to storm into the Slavani dens and destroy them had the Peldak Legions not brought the zatadun armies to heel.

This individual shell could have been fired from zatadun artillery, but the affected populace are Protectorate citizens.

Queen Olympia Addresses The Attack

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14/01/491 ASU

Hundreds of thousands of arcadians crowded the streets of the capitol early this morning, eagerly awaiting Queen Olympia’s address. Anger was thick in the air, as was the desire for retribution.

Would the cirathan boy who marked her be hung? Would they go to war with the D’Sev over this inexcusable insult? Not even the statesmen or generals knew what Queen Olympia had planned.

When she finally stepped out onto a speaking podium before the ekklesia, she did so with both of her arms uncovered, and her chin held high. The ephors who sat in the upper assembly saw that her tattoos were finished, though with the extra, messy black line running down to her elbow. Her face was confident, and she was smiling.

She stood before the crowd and waited until there was absolute silence. The plaza was built for the speaker’s voice to carry, but she needed everyone to listen.

“What you heard is true, I have been attacked, my skin irrevocably scarred. The culprit was a D’Sev, hijacking the body of an artist whose name will not be released for his or her own safety. Whether this D’Sev was acting alone or on behalf of their empire is unknown and ultimately irrelevant.” She paused for a moment as the murmurs died. Was she backing down from the empire? “Most of you are too far to see because it’s such a small thing. All that the the ‘great’ and ‘powerful’ D’Sev could do was… cause error in a tattoo. On my word as your Queen, great an exciting things will be announced soon, and our great struggle against D’Sev oppression cannot be undone by a child’s prank.”

Queen Olympia’s words are clear. This act was a provocation, but Arcadia will not be goaded into an unnecessary war.

Perfidious D’Sev! A Permanent Stain On Olympia’s Body!

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13/15/491 ASU

This morning, Queen Olympia and her guards met the team from the Multi-Planetary Body Art Practitioners.

Three artists, three assistants, their canvas, and a further eight artists who measured, planned, and sketched the design to perfectly fit the dimensions of the Arcadian Queen’s arms.

The monarch is well known for her charisma and was effortlessly charming and personable to soothe the tension in the room. They laughed, joked, Olympia gave pointers to her professional impersonator, and they began the process early in the morning. The competition had taken about 10 hours yesterday, but the team wanted to go slower and take around 13 just to make sure everything was perfect.

The first session reportedly went well as the first artist applied the line art to her left arm. Queen Olympia was supposedly shocked at how getting dozens of tiny needles shoved into her flesh hurt, but they had her bite down on a towel and close her eyes to push through.

After a small break, they continued onto the second session, with the line artist working on her right arm, and the colorist working on the left.

Testimonies are mixed from there.

The subtly-psychic arcadians noticed a change in the air.

The colorist paused, Queen Arcadia was suspicious of something.

The line artist continued.

Once she composed herself, Olympia and the line artist assistant realized the artist was going wildly off-pattern.

The man had jabbed a thick, patchy black line going down to her elbow, and his eyes had purple rings.

A D’Sev had taken over his body.

Everyone yanked him away, but he laughed and got in a few more messy jabs into Olympia. The damage was done; her tattoo was ruined.

The artist was taken into temporary custody, and Queen Olympia will address the assault tomorrow.

Queen Olympia Declares Winner In 16th Tattoo Carnival

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13/14/491 ASU

Each team was handed a design that would fit onto Queen Olympia’s lithe arms and were told to replicate it perfectly on their chosen canvas. If no team meets her standards, nobody would win.

The Interstellar Tattoo Union may have picked me, with my arms roughly seven times thicker than Queen Olympia’s, but they’re gladly taking it as an extra challenge. They have to adapt the design to my size and the curvature of my muscles.

But the cirathan-led Body Art Practitioners brought an arcadian girl who professionally impersonates the queen for events and plays. The girl even wore the same dress as her queen and nearly fainted when Queen Olympia said she was easily the best canvas.

That didn’t bode well for the rest of us.

The ITU team involved six people, and another dozen artists who helped plan. The first was a line artist who used black ink to get the shapes on my left, then right arm. The colorist came in afterwards, filling the empty space. Then there was the backup artist who gave the final touchups. Each had their own assistant.

Since the ITU invented these competitions, the other conglomerates used some variation of their process.

After half a day, we canvases lined up on stage and posed for Queen Olympia’s inspection.

I flexed as she approached as she smiled, “you’re that reporter. I’m not sure if I should reward your glowing praise or pick someone else and read how you’ll complain.”

She had sharps remarks for all contestants, though her doppelganger received nothing but compliments.

Queen Olympia made a show of asking the audience their opinions, but clearly steered them to pick BAP.

It’s surely a coincidence that Queen Olympia picked the cirathan-run conglomerate while Arcadia is negotiating a trade deal with the Pel League.

16th Tattoo Carnival Competes For Queen Olympia’s Body

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13/13/491 ASU

Half a year ago, the Kingdom of Arca’s Queen Olympia announced that she wanted a tattoo around each of her biceps that would be full of such meticulous and intricate details that only the most skilled artist in the Protectorate could complete them. As a display of devotion to her people, the ring on her left bicep would have images devoted to arcadian culture, justice, and beauty, while her right bicep is reserved for unity, military might, and liberation.

To find her ideal artist, her kingdom will host the 16th Tattoo Carnival.

This year sees representatives from the five largest tattoo conglomerates in the Protectorate compete for fame, prizes, and recognition of their superiority. The carnival will still have the usual games, competitions, and amenities, but the Olympia Contest will be the main event.

Attending will be:

The tried and tested ‘Interstellar Tattoo Union’ based in Pelratha.

The ultranationalist ‘Firryan Liberation Front, Tattoo Division’ based in Foregone.

The ever meticulous ‘Multi-Planetary Body Art Practitioners’ based in the Pel League.

And the zatadun’s ‘Verband Der Tätowierer’, based in the Reichenhorn.

The monsoorai’s ‘Cultural Center For Preserving Islander Heritage’ is banned due to their open association with the Heaven’s Tree Empire; a member of the Axis. They’ll still participate, but Olympia cannot choose them.

Each conglomerate will send a team of their best artists, and a canvas of their choosing, to participate.

I was asked to be the canvas for the ITU.

The FLF will, naturally, use a firryan.

The MPBAP will use an arcadian girl.

The VDT will be using a young, 36-year-old peldak girl.

The CCFPIH will use a monsoorai model.

The Olympia Contest is expected to last about ten hours tomorrow. The teams will have frequent breaks, and victory will be decided by whichever art the queen likes best.

Firryan Radicals Break With Interstellar Tattoo Union

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19/01/218 ASU

The Interstellar Tattoo Union of Firryan Talent has undergone a schism in recent months following the adoption of new tools and techniques in their tattoo parlors.

The traditional firryan tattoo method involves taking a single needle, dipping it in black or colored ink, then carefully jabbing flesh to stain the skin. Creating a design takes tens of thousands of pokes and several hours. The new tattoo method the ITU is pushing on their parlors involves purchasing tools which originated on Monsoo. These wooden brushes feature dozens of needles arranged in shapes such as boxes, circles, lines or curves. Much faster than the traditional method, a skilled artist could reliably create the same design in a fourth of the time.

The new method is more time efficient, so what’s the issue?

The problem is that, ever since their liberation nearly 200 years ago, firryan intellectuals, scholars, and statemen have desired to carve out a firm, coherent, racial identity for their people. An identity that transcends language, culture, or geography. There are hundreds of schools of thought over how this should happen, and there’s been a constant fight for power and influence within the broader firryan community.

The single largest and most respected faction is the Firryan Liberation Front, which is the modern form of the most successful anti-slavery organization that operated on Relgan.

The FLF has become increasingly militant and nationalistic in recent years, and the concept of using alien tools for firryan art is deeply offensive ideologically.

A dozen tribes in the ITU – a sharp minority – have announced their exit from the conglomerate over this matter, and the FLF has begun buying properties of their own to begin a rival chain of tattoo art using purely firryan methods.

The FLF may abhor alien tools, but they love alien money.