After nearly 400 years, the elven land speed record has finally been broken this past week during a legionary showcase in the Occupied Colony on D’Sev. Intended to present our overwhelming strength and physical dominance so the D’Sev won’t get uppity again, the 3,117-year-old peldak, Allert Wincet, took to the track for the one-kilometer dash. He pushed off hard enough to shatter the concrete in a deep spiderweb fracture – a reasonably impressive feat that four other competitors mimicked – and finished the run in 23.4 seconds.

All the peldaks in attendance expected the elders to post impressive times so most were focused on the pack of young warriors trying to break through the coveted 1:30 barrier. It was only during the 50-kilo ball toss that a D’Sev did the math and realized that Mr. Wincet ran an astonishing 153.9 kilometers per hour, which jumped the previous record by a full 6 kph.

The Hetman was prepared to halt the showcase and make Mr. Wincet’s achievement the focal point of the day’s events, but the elder refused, stating “a lot of those kids worked real hard to look good in front of the aliens that gave their parents so much trouble. I can wait till later.” When asked to repeat his run before a more attentive audience, he broke the record again by crossing the finish line in 23.3 seconds.

This officially marks Allert Wincet as the fastest sprinter who ever lived.